It is what it is

Someone said to me this morning, "Do something fun!"

In my weary sleepy head at 7:15 am, I could not think of anything fun. "Play your guitar!" Good idea! That is fun, well, at least for 30 minutes before my hands get tired. What else is fun for me? Reading and tea. Playing Pictionary or Boogle or other word games. Doing anything that doesn't feel painful in my body.

I don't take pain very well. I like writing, it's not painful. Sure at the moment I do feel a bit stagnated and not growing in this direction (although some would say I am growing in other directions ;)) And lack of growth can be painful too. Often I find myself "busy" with things I am not sure is the right thing to be busy with, as it is taking me away from the main attraction, i.e. re-invention.

There are tiny little cups of dirt and seedlings inside, slowly pushing their little green leaves out there for the world to see. Get sunlight little green friends, grow! I love Spring with all it's growth. So exciting! I forgot what I planted so it will be a bit of a mystery. I want to get more of these little cups of dirt / miniature green houses. They are so NOT messy. I like that, clean gardening is the best.

Gardening is hard work - but it is a good pain. I know it will "bear fruit". Maybe my attitude about my pain - physical and mental - needs a bit of a shift. I am learning, whether I like it or not. Maybe it is a risk but perhaps I can reach out to people and make my community grow, just like I let my garden grow.

Once upon a time, I did like jogging and playing frisbee and generally doing stuff outside. I miss that. I want to get back up to that point again. Can I do it? Do I have my mind set on it? Therein lies the problem. The wishy washyness of it all.

So, what is it that I have my mind set on? Woe is me? That's not cool. It is what it is, but I think I could have a different mind set. I have a lot to be grateful for. Disregard the scary nightmares of death and dismemberment. They come when there is fear. Banish fear now and forever.

I have to remind myself everyday, that I am worth it. What ever it is, I am in the right place at the right time and I have to believe that there is a plan for me, and I just have to bring myself to the table every day. Faith. I have nothing to fear, because I am handpicked and very precious.

Is this really working for me?

Last week (7):
I struggled. Really struggled. Loss of sleep, loss of time. But should a struggle mean I should give up, pack it in, quit? If I don't meet my weekly goals, should I just say stop? No. I just have to re-re-re-re double my efforts. Figure out how to wake up earlier, if need be.

Sometimes I wonder what my priorities are, and why I can’t manage to sail right through my apparently SMART goals. Am I too scared or concerned about that ONE thing that I won’t make all the others goal setting tasks move on? That seems silly doesn’t it?

This is my GREAT GOAL and I really want it, yes, yes, yes! I think I am very blessed and gifted, it’s just hiding under mounds and mounds of dirt and disuse. It will take a lot of time and effort to get to it, uncover it. I have to accept that there are no shortcuts. However, there is a diamond in this rough, I know it, I have got to hold on to this belief.

Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on.

This week (8):
Story Focus!! Yeay!! I’m going to work on a story I dropped off some years ago, but I’d like to know the end of… so, characters and plot here I come… am excited to have some energy for this now. It’s a “long-distance” focus. Jog/walk sort of, the base is there, just need to round it out and complete.

Next week (9):
Dialogue work. Most of the time, I write monologues or essays. That’s fine and dandy, but in the real world, action is needed and is best conveyed by conversation. This is balancing passages with dialogue, working on saying things and moving the plot forward.

Balance is the key – one can have a verbal story (it’s called playwriting or script writing) but action is happening i.e. you have to give the actors some direction what to do. Interestingly, since you can’t “see” feelings, the actors are interpreting what the writers have provided. This should help also improve a more prose-like reading, where you are leading the reader to interpret or “see” what the character is thinking or feeling. Oooo, I wish almost I was doing this, this week!!

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So, even if “this”-- re-invention -- isn’t working perfectly for me, it is working… somehow and that’s all that matters. Perfection, whatever does that mean??

You know... (warning! long post!)

I've never thought about my problem-solving and troubleshooting skills as something special.

I just do what has to be done within the constraints of the problem. It's not a fixed process or anything in my mind that I do systematically. I know scientists who are painfully methodological, and can't see outside the box they've created for themselves. Sometimes you just can't remove all other variables (or keep them constant) and just vary the test variable. Sometimes you just don't know all the variables. How on earth can such a painful approach be cost-effective or realistic? But perhaps there's something to my skills, something I should consider as special, because there are so many books out there selling "total quality management" and "continuous improvement" process to improve one's products, services, and management techniques.

Now after a few days of considering a specific problem, and trying to find a written "bona fide" process that fits the description of how I solved it, I realized I might be a maverick (or a mad engineer). Perhaps it's out there, I just haven't found it yet.

I seem to have an innate knack of process definition and control, and can see when a system is out of order and fix it. I never thought of it as a process, but perhaps it is. A process then, is something that is more or less repeatable under similar circumstances, given variables X, Y, Z, input the process will output A, B, and C. (desired output(s), undesired outputs -- i.e. impurities and waste)). Ok, this is chemical engineering at its best. Of course A, B, and C have an optimal yield and each level has its costs. And getting rid of waste has its costs. Defining the process and defining when the process is out of specification (i.e. poor quality) is a business necessity and may not apply to simple challenges or "troubleshooting", such as those one may have around the house or in re-engineering/re-invention work.

I may not be as disciplined as a servo-mechanism or computer control system, but I know my systems and what it can measure and what it can not, what it can do and what it can't, what I can change, and what I can not, and how each one of the possible changes / measurements may or may affect the process output. I guess at the moment though, you could say that the "process of re-invention" is out of specification and some control (i.e. discipline) needs to be put on it so it comes back to its intended output.

Ah, then we have to come back to the philosophical side: What is Quality anyway? It's only how you define it in your process. Can you really measure 100% accuracy? No. Because it doesn't exist. Any statistician or mathematician worth his weight will tell you that. You can only ASSURE something with a certain probability is 'error-free' or within specification to a point. Say 10^(-6) assurance, that's 0.000001, I think, chance in 100 events. Say you have 10 million possible events: then with the above assurance level, 1 event will be out of specification. That's not bad at all. But of course if you are the one patient with that one failed device... well sucks to be you.

Quality in everyday life, is how you define it. I usually operate around 20-50% failure rate, depending on the subject or event. That's acceptable to me. I start to worry when I have a 99.9% failure rate, especially when it comes to publishing my writing. Ah, but then you only need one big break... you gotta play to win, so to speak.

For further reading on what is Quality please see "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance".... apparently it was rejected over 450 times....

Anyway, my Re-Invention Process is out of control and out of spec. What do I intend to do about it? Do the best I can to get it back on line. There are other factors that I didn't consider and other players now want a piece of me (not paranoid really). Life happens. I've built enough padding into the process to allow for the major deviations. Things change. I ain't gonna get my panties in a wad. :-)

Now that's a pretty picture. Don't want to leave you with just that image.

It's a special talent to be able to critically think, problem solve, and troubleshoot. It's management on the fly. The best managers are ones who seem to solve a problem with a "win-win" solution at least 70-90% of the time, without letting anyone see them sweat. At the end of the day, you gotta live with yourself (and hopefully like yourself), be able sleep at night with your process control definitions and decisions. You gotta know what you want, when you want it, and at what conditions. You gotta have negotiables, and non-negotiables. You gotta have a good attitude about life, your work, and your processes -- whether mental, financial, physical, written down or in your head -- and realize you are in the greatest process of all -- the Learning Process. You can't stop that one!

Aim and Process scratch work

Hi!

Today I am putting together some general notes on "process" again. Over the next few days, I am going to do a bit of scratch work for a test sample writing assignment I have to do for a client. So why not work out some junk here, I say. You all are my guinea pigs!! Bwaaah!!

The assignment bugs me a bit: "identify and illustrate a process you have used to solve a specific problem". Questions like the ones below have been bugging me (within the context of "The Process of Re-inventing Myself"):

• What is a process?
  
• What are some examples of processes that are used to help solve problems?
  
• Why use a process? Or is it one and the same to say how to get from "A" to "B"?
• Are some of life's problems just so indeterminate and so undefined that no solution or process will ever really cover them adequately?
• Isn't it all how you define it?
  

Aim ==> Purpose

Process ==> how to reach aim

Re-invention ==> change from one aim to another more "loftier" aim; gear changing -- not necessarily just making new wheels

Myself ==> knowing who I am and what I can meaningfully achieve in the time frame I have set up in the process scheme

Map ==> Contextual solution (framework, frame of reference) i.e. is your past woes plaguing your current or future context?

Change context ==> work from a different map an alternate reality, think different

What I am mainly doing here is trying to change my view of life and frame of reference. I think this will make the process and shaping into a hopeful author much easier and smooth. This could take years!! That's okay, I am cultivating patience. Liking the garden I grow now...

am I doing the right thing for me?

Re-invention, re-engineering, re-hashing, re- whatever you want to call it: it's nerve-racking.

I sometimes feel guilty, overwhelmed, questioning. What is the right thing for me? Am I really exactly where I am supposed to be?

Am I really willing to trust the universe, fate, Wyrd, or whatever it is that pulled me in this direction in the first place? Why did I have to spend all that time learning something I may never use again? Transferable skills, they tell me. Think transferable skills. It's all about your attitude. Stay focused, stay excited. Stay hungry, stay alive.

It's hard, it's damn hard. Friends say I shouldn't feel guilty for leaving the profession, for leaving science, especially if I am not as interested in it as I once was. I like some things but not to get my hands dirty so to speak. Is that cowardice or what?

But I love my life now. I love learning about literature and art and fiction. I love the freedom the creativity the energy that comes after I've tried and poured out my heart onto my computer keyboard. (not as romantic these days is it? Quill and parchment would be so much more elegant...) I just have to kill this inner critic of mine, or at least lock it up in the dungeon for a while. No one will notice. It's not like its a real person anyway.

Process development basics

Today will be a short overview of process development, in the context of how one might go about re-inventing themselves.

As one might suspect, this would be far from a recipe-like, linear process, where you simply do one thing after another, and voila! you have completed the process and got what you want. True re-invention, although similar to invention or new product development (which can be quasi-linear), is a highly non-linear process. It is similar to the learning process of a baby to a child. Inputs you receive now may not be understood or processed until months or years later, when other inputs combine with the original input to produce a "productive" positive experience or output. The nature of the input may also affect the output, and intermediate feedback loops along the way will affect the output.

Let's assume we have some inputs and want some known, measurable outputs. We know our re-invention process is non-linear, but we want to impose a time frame on it just to say that the development, as we choose to define it, is finite. Say six months. Sounds a lot like goal-setting doesn't it? Yes, but I want to make sure you remember the process is fluid, not fixed steps on a ladder. You have to be flexible and adaptable to sense "good" & "bad" inputs or process streams that will affect your measurables.

The process I would like to adapt to fit my needs is a new product development process. I list the steps (some are more obvious and/or applicable than others):

1. Idea generation / Opportunity analysis
2. Idea screening / Defining target market
3. Concept development and testing
   
4. Business analysis / Competition and customer feedback
5. Beta testing and market testing (prototype)
6. Implementation (logistics, resources, contingencies)
7. Commercialization

Note these things can happen concurrently (at the same time) and should be open to change but able to minimize the cost of change by knowing the latest responsible moment an item can be changed ("go no-go" point). In software development, the buzz word is "agile" software development. I'll let your head buzz around that for a while....if you know any "agile" project managers, please have them write to me....

As you can see, there are a considerable number of steps even before we get to the prototype (item 5). Taking this in the context of the process of re-inventing myself, the new "prototype" if you will still needs some pre-work before I can even really visualize the prototype. I would say that some of this pre-work has been done, but not clearly written down or explained to someone else (say not even my boyfriend!!!)

So I have got my work cut out for me!! More to come next week...

And Still...

Exhausted today, and still I must write. I love it. I was up late last night helping my partner with booking our mini-vacation to Barcelona, and writing... and got up again this morning to do more writing. It feels so nice.

When tension has stored in a spring for so long, it is always the same amount of energy that is released, irrespective of how long it has been since one has set the tension, assuming the conditions are the same (heat, friction, no damage). But we are different, thankfully, from a coil of iron. It seems when that tension is released, so much rush of energy comes off, as if you didn't realize that the crank was turning and turning, making the tension stronger. The conditions are for the most part different from whence the tension started, and when the tension is released. Exhaustion and drained feeling (tension gone) is balanced by the energy benefits of true relaxation.

It is full steam a head for me now, that the spring is relaxed ready for the next work. Nothing can stop me. Sure I will do small projects here and there for money, but with the loving support of my partner and the prudent smarts of Yours Truly of having saved so much money over the years, so the "starving" artist will not be too bad off. But somehow, to write something someone else would want to read and enjoy, well, one has to be "starving" just enough to make it work... it is Murphy's law.

I quit my day job. Bold. Crazy. But it was something I had to do. To be true to myself, to be honest and be able to write clearly, keep the well fresh for me. It's a bit selfish, but who said the process of re-invention of yourself could be self-less? By definition, it is what it is.

And still through it all I can connect again, to my garden to my home, to the universe and other people. This will be fun, and challenging, like I have never had a challenge before.

Later this week, I will unveil my "Publication Strategy" if you will. A roadmap which will keep me motivated and honest, Dear Reader! Hope you agree, and help me see it through its rightful course, what ever that may be.

Everyday - Every Morning

Inner peace is another key to re-invention. One has to temporarily turn off that chatter box of internal critic, as at this fragile moment, he/she is too harsh to deal with. The duality is needed though, to deal with the outside world. This critic can instead, face those naysayers and protect the fragile budding writer / re-inventor, who can develop the inner song and peace that is needed for the work ahead. Send that critic out to work for you, instead of against you!

Calm, poised, confident. No fear, and no worries. That is the re-inventor, the vision one needs to have of one's self before working.

When every bone, every nerve ending, every cell in your body tells you, that you are on the right path, making the right decision, without shame.

I will never be the same.

Thunder Road

1976 - Bruce Springsteen

He was so young and brash and unafraid. He lept across the stage like a madman, saving everyone's soul that night. Many of us ask, instead of "what would Jesus do?" it is now, "what would Bruce do?" Have fun, enjoy life, believe in yourself, and dream baby dream....the money will follow your success. And you can survive and thrive on much less for longer than you think.

Thunder Road. The song always brings tears to my eyes. To me, it's about escape on one hand, on another, it is about commitment to yourself and the one (person, thing, ideal) you really love, to pull out of the town full of losers, and win, on your own terms.

No retreat, no surrender. Bruce always makes me feel like I am ready to grow young again. And dream. So what does this have to do with re-invention? Well, you can't throw out the baby with the bathwater so to speak. You have to be grounded in commitment, one constant that doesn't change. For some, that is prayer to a higher being, for others it is in themselves and their ideas, values and beliefs. Not to sell yourself out, or if you have a bit, to go back and re-gain the commitment you had when you were young, unafraid, and brash.

Soul searching is great, but the road is better. Get out there, do things, see what you like and what you don't. Sure its bittersweet when one road doesn't work out, but you've got to remember you've learned something about yourself. And that's fantastic, its your gift to yourself, its your duty to yourself to learn which road is right for you, and follow your heart until you find your dream.

Hope you all have some thing you can be grounded in, that helps you when you are out on that road of discovery, of life.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Looks like I already missed a day. That's okay. I am trying to create a couple of new habits (but not too many) as part of my process.

Today I have some administrative things to see to at my "day job" so that things will be easier for me over my leave time. So not all tasks reported will be related to the re-invention process, it seems.

Today is a bright sunny shiny morning with a haze of clouds high off in the distance. I am reminded also that I am well-loved by my partner James, and my two cats, Harley and Moe. These lovely greetings carry me to write and hope and dream again, a very warm and fuzzy feeling. I also wish love and happiness to my friends and family all over the world.

Valentine's Day is often denounced as a gaudy in-your-face, buy buy buy, marketing scheme for poor schleps (male and female) who feel they have to show their love in the form of flowers, heart shaped candies, and cards. I don't feel that way-- to me, Valentine's Day marks the beginning of renewed hope with spring just around the corner. The days between Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day are cold, wintery and more often than not, been quite lonesome days for me. I think really in all, I have probably truly "celebrated" Valentine's Day only 3 times in my life i.e., with someone I love -- going out to dinner, dressing up, exchanging gifts, the nine yards. So it is still a joy for me.

I hope you enjoy this day! Have a great one.

The first step is the biggest

Here it goes. I've made a decision to change my life and my work. Now I have to see my dream through. I have been given 3 months personal leave of absence from my "real day job" and I am taking it for all it is. Although the clock doesn't start ticking for another 6 weeks, I am in planning and preparation mode, setting up my pilot plant experiment.

I am an engineer. I have been one for almost 15 years. I once was a writer, of poems of plays, of short prose, twenty years ago. I now want to make my life's work, writing fiction. This blog will be dedicated to documenting my successes, daily and weekly, and monthly, until I reach my new status.

One must re-invent themselves from time to time. Madonna and her music her styles over the years is a perfect example. In marketing terms, its called "life cycle management", and represents a planned shift in the brand to match trends in the market. New indications, new mediums, new outlets must be boldly tried. Madonna can afford to fail at this point, but most of us who are in the process of re-invention can not fail so much. A little failure of course is expected, setbacks happen all the time. The key is to stay positive, and motivated towards reading the market and giving it from yourself the best you can offer. The ideas have to come inside out, but once they come, it's past due time to figure out how to best market them. Market research and knowing thyself come hand in hand.

Thirty-five seems to be a magical age. It's about half way to retirement, and if you are a woman like me, the clock seems to be ticking faster. It's time to figure out my brand, what I am all about, and bring forth my uniqueness to market. For me, it has to be more than doing someone else's idea of a job, agency work, or lab work that I am not particularly fond. I have to really love this idea, and believe in it with all my heart, thus maintaining my commitment. Commitment also then to knowing my brand's life cycle. This will come in time.

Stay tuned here.