Get out the jumper cables - stat!

I struggle with discipline of the mind -- to find hope, to nurture hope. I feel like “the car’s” got a dead battery now, maybe since I dropped everything this summer for my event. Oh, well.

Here are some tidbits from my daily calendar to help this blog get jump-started again:

“Hope can keep us from becoming bitter and angry when things are less than perfect. Nurture the soft spot in your heart [soul] where hope abides.”-- Anonymous

I like this one too:

“Far away, there in the sunshine, are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them and try to follow where they lead.” -- Louisa May Alcott.

Yes, my aspirations are like stars -- like charting a course in a boat, sailors believe in the stars and charts, and follow them faithfully to where they lead.

And one more, from J.B. Priestly, “I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning.”

And of course, my favorite Starbucks barrista:

“I am always fit for Monday!”

Her amazing attitude, wonderful! Maybe she has something to be hopeful for, a prospect for a fresh try, and knows of the magic waiting somewhere….maybe not. Maybe she just has a great attitude of life. Faith and fitness have to be combined, and boy, does she have it!

For me, I just take it one day at a time -- the variable discipline will give way again to a routine. I have faith.

One day at a time

It truly is a wonderful life... the writing life... sure some days setbacks are all you get, struggling to write the next word, to come up with the next idea, editing, polishing, looking forward for all those rejection slips coming back... maybe some with a glint of keep going... but mostly its all you. This is my job, and it suits me right.

It's truly wonderful that I still have the power within me to change my life to change my vision. To actually feel good about it and go confidently into this world. Everything will work out and will come into place. This power, this inner strength if you will, is the single most greatest thing, the most valuable thing, that keeps one alive and healthy. Not a change in food, sleep, or exercise alone can do that. Inner strength. The power to change I contend has to come first and be the biggest proponent that drives all other change. Bottom-Up Management.

It's snowing here. I remember one bleak grey morning, not so long ago last March, when I started writing here. I remember feeling blessed for the snow, to be able to see it and enjoy it in the warmth of my apartment. The flakes may not be as fluffy and big, but they are creating a white blanket on the roof below outside my window, the hinterhaus of my neighbor's painting studio. I watched my cats watch the snow then, and I watch them again now. It's amazing, wonderful snow.

Sometimes I struggle to find something to write about. But it is really all around me and in me. I just have to start writing and its like a river that keeps flowing. The strength I need most days is to JUST START. Audacity!

Sometimes with the struggle comes fear. I know this now, and finally at last I can do something about it. START. The initial process of re-inventing myself is over. I've done it, I've succeeded. I found the inner strength, in my thoughts, in my prayers which create my success -- now I have to tap this stream of strength each day and START.

My START UP ROUTINE:
6.30 am AWAKE! Refreshed! Think what a great day! Energize!
7:15 am Yoga, Muscles, Aerobics, Balance physical work
8:00 am Shower and Energize again, mental work, warm up hands and ready set, and...
9:00 am START writing -- up to 2000 words per day...

My Maintenance ROUTINE:
12.30 Energize, tank up positive thoughts!
13.30 Business work
16.00 Small Re-energize, go for a walk?
17.00 Continue writing / work

My Shutdown ROUTINE:
19.30 lightly energize
20.30 wind-down: reading, relaxing, nothing too exciting, no computer work
10.30 Shutdown and think "what a good day! I did everything right! In my opinion!"


Much like a computer process (of course I am not a robot!). But there's lots of flexibility built into the process. One of the wonderful things about being a freelancer is to let go and allow your self to be flexible. The bigger the company is, the more drowned in processes and rules and hierarchy it is, and there is no creativity or flexibility or allowance for "out of process" custom work. The START UP, MAINTENANCE AND SHUTDOWN procedures are highly regulated, controlled and checked by the process engineers every morning, shift change, and night... (24 hour process control! Oh love I miss that!! NOT!).

But if I think of my mind and my body and my life as 24-hr Process Control, it's easier for me somehow as some of my inner strength is in that fundamental engineering knowledge. Weird, eh? Like the snow today, I feel like I have come full circle.

One day at a time. That's all the process engineer can do, is look at the system and process, one day at a time. Doing the best that he/she can with what they've got to work with. Whether or not the process actually produces the desired outputs in specification, well, for the moment, that is not his/her problem....The quality assurance engineer takes over.... whether the desired outputs are marketable or sale-able, someone else's job too... Other engineer's hats... other days... they all do the best they can with what they have at the end of the day... so all the other minutiae don't matter. In my opinion.

the end

You know those movies where the world as we know it is destroyed and only a handful of people are still alive? We watched one recently with Dennis Quaid as the leading guy--get this--a climatologist who predicts the coming of the Ice Age and well, it happens in 6-8 days. Doh!

But I love these stories for some reason. I think mostly because of the fight for survival and the reduction of all those icky, nasty issues (race, gender, rich, poor, religious, young, old, healthy or not) to how humans really care for each other / or not. What really matters is life, and not the status quo. Sure, there are gonna be stupid survivors too, but for the most part the cold or plague or what ever will have killed off most of them. The survivors are an enrichment of the intelligent, but not necessarily morally intelligent? Hmm.

I think about those movies or stories, and I think -- well, which character am I? Of course I am a survivor! I don't die right away. Perhaps the plague one would not be my favorite way to go. Let's say for the Dennis Quaid Ice Age movie, I think I would be like the wifey doctor, who would stay behind to make sure the leukemia kid stayed brave and got out safely. She wasn't one on the "battlefield" but she was doing the right things to protect what she could. Innocence. Life. For another day.

While I'd like to think I'd make a great contemplative, solitary, or urban hermit, I enjoy the time I do have with my friends too much and want more than just simple introspection. But being the crazy overworked heroine is also not my game. Engaging my dear Readers is important to me -- getting that "telepathic conversation" going and the truth in my head out on to the page. It's hard work that I am willing to do. Yeah. Telepathy... I am putting thoughts in your head... heh heh heh... subliminal messages to get you to ... oh buy my stories and books.... heh heh heh.

Okay, that wasn't very subliminal. :-) Is there still hope for me?? Yes!!

"man the dope's that there's still hope"

Was watching an episode of House last night (probably an old series for you). The one with the magician who swallowed a key, and it turned in his intestines when he went into the MRI unit. Magnets shmagnets. The key was tiny!

Anyway, one of House's recruits was a bit hypochondriac about the possibility she had Huntington's disease, since her mother died at a early age of the disease. Basically its a neuromotor disease similar to Parkinson's and strongly genetically linked (50% chance if one parent had died from it). The woman never got tested to see if she would be likely to develop the disease. Why? Not knowing gave her hope. She could confidently do things like learning to fly and all other motor-cognitive activities she wanted to do (like being a doctor). Her premise at the end was revealed-- questions are asked in medicine and most of the time you can get an answer or do a differential diagnosis by running some test. But when there are no more answers left, then one loses hope. There is no cure for Huntington's. But she wanted to still have her hope until that day she becomes truly symptomatic.

Maybe that's for the best. To NOT know the answer. It gives us hope. You can't have it both ways, to worry about something that's out of your control, and have hope at the same time. Be happy then, have hope. Tough to be a scientist, who needs to explain away the magic, but much easier to be a doctor. Or a writer, or an artist.

Oh there's just so much to say so little time! Will write about my weekly mantra tomorrow.

wonderful translucent blue grey sky

This morning I'm feeling a bit grateful. Grateful for my eyes and sight, to see this beauty before me. A tinted late sunrise moving west breaking up heavy flat and dirty clouds, leaving a trail of light blue behind, tinted with the pinkish white of bright morning sun.

Grateful for the apple I'm about to eat, its crunchiness, its texture its tangy sweetness. The nourishment it gives me I hope to last throughout the morning.

Grateful that I am alive and breathing here in this horribly messy office, sitting on a comfortable red chair that has no cat hair on it yet. And it is quiet; it is peaceful on this side of the apartment, where there are no buses or trams or drilling construction workers, or fighting cats. All I can smell is my own sweat mixed with last night's bag of popcorn. Semi-pleasant, mind you, but still I am grateful. It's not too hot, not too cold, just right. Last night my feet were like frozen icicles as I struggled to finish writing.

It's not done yet. But it is getting closer. I am grateful for that as well. No more procrastination this week, I am on a ball!

balance and discipline

I am finding rhythm in my days again... after some disruption of work and travel. The rhythm almost ritualistic nature of waking, washing, dressing, eating, everyday is soothing and calming. When the timing is off or necessarily compressed, it takes time for me to decompress. It takes me more time than it might for others. I am curious as to why that might be.

Balance and calm should follow where ever I go, IF my peace of mind is STRONG. Nothing should disrupt my peace of mind. This week, along with my writing exercises, I will cultivate my Peace. Find that inner strength, that river of hope that is always flowing, moving and forging ahead, never looking back.

It takes discipline to be at Peace, particularly when the world is crazy around you changing all the time. You have to fight for your Peace, for your right to be calm, and exercise this right everyday. Your right to say "No, thanks" I don't need this right now. I am changing too, hopefully towards a more peaceful, calmer and less anxious me.

To write even when I am not "in the mood", takes discipline too. So I can mirror these two rhythm finding, disciplining processes together -- somehow, I am not sure how to do this. More patience is needed for this. Any ideas?

Finding images

I write in my journal often - tidbits - observations - fears - things I want goals to achieve - bits of stories from my dreams. Susan asks me to find images in my journal writing. It's strange I never thought of it that way exactly. Maybe that's why I always have this difficulty between showing the reader something rather than telling them something.

Looking at my old journals, its mostly filled with words intended to jog my memory about an image or scene. Is that fundamentally different, I don't know. I will try harder to pull together the actual image and draw it out - expand the idea of the jogging mnemonic - develop the craft that way.

I think I need to be more clear in my descriptions when I am writing to be read much later (that someone else might still be me - I don't think I would remember I wrote this unless I knew it was in my possession all these years). I suspect if my parents found a lesser known piece of my writing somewhere hidden under a box in the attic, I wouldn't realize it was me. Hey that happened already -- a Father's Day card when I was twenty. I don't remember writing it. I must have -- my picture is there. How narcissistic of me. Oh well.

More recent example, I have something written from 9th of June 2005. "The Fork Example". I have no idea what it means now. However, the same day I visited the International Red Cross Museum - so it might have to do something with that. For today's exercise, I'd like to expand on the image of postcards used during WW's :

Black and white this is all I can give you today is 85 cents
to relieve your anxiety your worry if I am alright
hold it, its 3 x 5 light in your hands, preserve it, put a magnet on it
read and re-read it
while you count on your brown and orange rosary
sitting on a garden stool pausing between weeding the rows and rows of tomatoes and zucchini
pull it out of your overalls and pray for me
while you wait for the water to boil
hope for peace my symbol of good luck coming from where ever I am
this card one of many
this multitudinous card of reproduced pictures and stamp
delivery all for 85 cents
made personal by my words my comment
wish I was there
while you are getting ready for bed, brushing your hair sitting on the soft well-worn orange ottoman we got when we moved away for the first time
hold it like a distinctive protective sign
knowing that I've dispatched all that I can
this sign of life.

-- Did you see the image of a woman sitting, spent and sweating from gardening, wearing a flowery pink lined cotton smock with green gloves and a spade next to her? The garden stool cracked and uneven on the ground? The rosary in one ungloved hand - the care-worn card in her pocket and she pulls it out with the same hand holding the rosary? --


No - I definitely need to be economical yet more descriptive at the same time. It's tough!

When the heart falters

By all means follow your heart. But what happens when your heart falters and you lose a bit of faith? When you feel like quitting and giving up?

What keeps me from giving up is that I don't want to be like "them" again. You know who "they" are -- the naysayers, the truth haters, the rich war mongers who get richer from preying on poor souls who believe they have no choice, no hope, the "Shytan" -- I will go on. "They" will not win in my heart, in my lifetime. I will not quit. I won't walk out a loser. Someday I will walk out of here again.

That little voice that says no no you can't, you've got to beat that guy. To a pulp.

There is no problem that can't be solved or appeased. Work hard. Try harder. Work harder. Don't give up. Read, write, work. Love what you do, do what you love. Don't settle, and have faith that the connections will be made. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. Believe in yourself!

Should I let him have milk???

My younger cat has some weird intestinal problems. He is quite gassy and smelly sometimes. I know cow's milk gives me problems, so it might not be good for him. The older cat is interested in my morning milk. She is allowed to have cow's milk, in small quantities. She and I are a lot alike.

Oh, it's early and I can't really think of anything. I hope today doesn't end up being a crap day of writing. It's rainy and dreary outside. I am meeting a friend for lunch. I hope also our Amazon.com books come soon. We also are getting in the mail a new video game, so that should be another procrastination thing.

Dreams and everything in its own time -- if a dream doesn't come true in your allotted time here on Earth, does that mean it's a lie? No. Some one else will dream your dream, or it'll show up in your next life. This could be why some people have beliefs of an afterlife, it makes this life a bit more bearable. "Promise of a better world to come, when what ever here is done". Space is nice, maybe when I am 60, there will be space traveling and space vacationers. Weekend trip to the Moon! That would be fun. Ah, science fiction....Dr. Who!!

The end of this post has nothing to do with milk. Cats shouldn't drink cow's milk anyway.

Progress report

It's the Ides of July, and time for a progress report.

• The Book: about 2-3 weeks behind schedule here. Partly due to vacation blues and other distractions - writing and other activities.

• Short stories: two of them are coming along according to schedule. Need to find first venues for them, and should get them out the door end of the month.

• Flash fiction, creative non-fiction and contest entries: waiting on one contest entry. Found another one I can enter by August end. Find other possible venues for them.

• Writing groups: summer blues have got the best of them. Am trying to meet up with a like minded friend today.
  

I am about where I thought I'd be back in March. I've finally said my goodbyes, internally and externally. I feel like I am smiling inside out, walking into the unknown sunrise. Party's over, now the hard work is getting done. Hope the ghosts don't come back to haunt me, and if they do, I'll be better prepared. Who are you going to call?

Good things come slowly

Yeah, writing is a lot of work, and it goes fairly slow most of the time. Discipline is my driver, and I hope my muse (moose?) will find me in my office at a scheduled hour. But good things take a long time to mix, knead, rise and bake like a yummy good loaf of bread. Really good things come slowly, my friend reminded me today.

The greatest thing to come out of this process so far is the feeling that I am more patient with myself. And that is a very helpful thing in this business.

Now the trick will be to be patient with others... ha ha ha... but I think I was better with others (at least publicly!) than with myself. Good relationships also take considerable time to grow and develop. Sometimes I overlook this fact, this truth, and miss key opportunities.

Ah, then the Great Big Moose in the Sky says, well, perhaps you just were not ready for those opportunities, the timing was not right for you, the environment, etc.

Then I say to my dear Moose: I want to be 15 and have that perfect storm again -- where things culminate to the point that I am getting stories done and accepted, and rejected too, because I look forward to learning from my rejections!!! I won't f*@% it up this time...

Changing Gears

I have forgotten how difficult it is to change gears when working on multiple projects simultaneously. The shift in thought seems enormous and sometimes overwhelming.

It seems worse when your projects are starting pretty much from scratch and you have to divide your time between them. Time is a limited resource. Priorities must be made. We have choices everyday, which ideally should align with our core values.

As a strong proponent of individualism and freedom of choice with profound understanding of the consequences of actions, I have a fun time juggling my priorities. It all can be boiled down to the pursuit of happiness, of finding and completing fulfilling work and tasks (not just doing chores), or just having the Snoopy-like feeling at the end of each day "It was a good day, I did every thing right, in my opinion." So I take my to-do lists in stride. If I can say that at the end of the day, the closer I am to fine.

Trade-offs are inevitable, aren't they? One can choose to do one task, in negligence of others, and of course, pay the price later. What happens when things are out of your control? External decisions, accidents, and learning about rules that you had no participation in creating, affect your own choices. Flexibility and adaptability, and hence the need to change gears, are required coping strategies in the ultimate struggle of getting things done, or getting what you want out of life. Long-term thinking and alignment with your core values feel better than short-term thinking and "selling out", in my opinion. It seems every time we are faced with a choice, it really should not be so agonizing if we stay true to ourselves.

Where (a specific place I mean) do I often change gears? Are there specific triggers? Does my anxiety go up or down? How can I control how I feel about where, when, how, and why I change gears? What is my motivations and how can I reduce anxiety or fear as a negative motivator? This is interesting pre-work, requiring "tough love".

I leave you today with some lyrics, to give you a sense of where I am today, it's the best I can do for now (red added for emphasis):


"Well I got thrown out of work on the Kokomo
Don't ask me what I'm doing, I don't know
I hope he wasn't joking when he wrote me that letter
Things can't get any worse, they got to get better

Well I'm a little down under, but I'm feeling O.K.
I got a little lost along the way

I'm just around the corner to the light of day
Just around the corner to the light of day"


- Bruce Springsteen, Light of Day

Orange Juice

Fresh orange juice in the morning is super. I just wish it also had caffeine. That would be something, to combine the yummy taste of OJ with the power of coffee. It would help cut down on the consumption of liquids in the morning, just in case you were stuck on the train for an hour or so.

I hope you enjoyed the series on "The Woman with Half a Smile". It was about 2500 words, and had only 5% passive voice. Which is pretty good for me, as in my previous life, all I wrote in was in passive voice. I want to clean it up and see if someone is interested in publishing out there in the big blue marble, but not so stressed about it. It was more a practice exercise for me.

Let's see, progress? The home writing office is taking shape. It's still a colossal mess with papers strewn everywhere and bags needing to be sorted. The publication plan is still a bit a ways off (target April 30), and the book is culminating slowly like a mild tropical storm (target full very rough draft 1 August) Also, I have lots of essays and smaller things started, but many miles to go before they sleep: they need to be finished, polished, incubated, shared, re-written, and finalized.

Getting resources together seems to be difficult, but it may be I haven't tried hard enough yet. I am still pacing myself, and this week is still considered a vacation / testing ground week.

Next week, the real jobs begin! Of course if you feel like commenting at any time feel free to do so by pressing the comments button (looks like a little envelope I believe).

Catch up more tomorrow,
TheWriterEngineer or TheEngineerWriter (feeling a bit dyslexic this morning, need more coffee!!!)

Hope Springs Eternal

Although winter is slowly being shaken off by the March lion, I will miss it. Winter has its own mood, full of solitude, quiet and reflection. Today has been such a mixed bag of a day, and I feel like inviting winter in my heart again. The cold rain calms me, instead of stinging me. The low bloated grey clouds blanket me and remind me to stay indoors where it is warm and I have all the things I need to stay comfortable and happy. The wind, whistling its way around my balcony, tipping my plants and singing a foul sound like a melancholy cat, is the only music. In my solitude, I can heal.

Spring will come again and I am confident in my new paths. I need these few last days of winter though, to gather my energies to plant and sew and dig deep into the earth. Once rested, the hope and promise of spring will be a welcome sight, I will have let go of all the bullies and naysayers of winters past. Let it go, let it all go away. I will thrive in generating contacts and networking, a relief from the solitude of today. Of course, winter will not go away entirely in April, as I live in a "tempest" zone, in a valley bordered by river on one side and mountains on another. I like the ever changing feeling of spring in this land, and would choose no other place other than a tempest in spring. It makes the hope I feel stronger, when things around me change so oddly and ambiguously. Is it spring or is it winter, or have we dumped straight into summer?

I have learned optimism in the past weeks, due to my illness. This is the well from which I will build my legacy. It will be out of love, as from winter to spring, there is so much love in the air, one becomes two, and two becomes three. The legacy will have a theme, but be fluid like the river, yet grounded like the mountains. I will write more on this legacy at another time.

I am so happy to have recovered so quickly from the illness of Bell's Palsy. Now I still have to recover from the years and years of emotional abuse at work and in my personal life. With my new strength and the love I have found, the healing process will take time, but I believe it will not be so painful, and I will thrive like a beautiful April daffodil, re-potted from the nursery.

Sick leave

Dear Reader,

I have been terribly ill and have facial paralysis on my left side, affecting my eye and ability to read and write on the computer. The medical term is Bell's Palsy.

I will have to take a break for a while. I hope to write about the experience more here.

Thanks for your understanding,
TheEngineerWriter

And Still...

Exhausted today, and still I must write. I love it. I was up late last night helping my partner with booking our mini-vacation to Barcelona, and writing... and got up again this morning to do more writing. It feels so nice.

When tension has stored in a spring for so long, it is always the same amount of energy that is released, irrespective of how long it has been since one has set the tension, assuming the conditions are the same (heat, friction, no damage). But we are different, thankfully, from a coil of iron. It seems when that tension is released, so much rush of energy comes off, as if you didn't realize that the crank was turning and turning, making the tension stronger. The conditions are for the most part different from whence the tension started, and when the tension is released. Exhaustion and drained feeling (tension gone) is balanced by the energy benefits of true relaxation.

It is full steam a head for me now, that the spring is relaxed ready for the next work. Nothing can stop me. Sure I will do small projects here and there for money, but with the loving support of my partner and the prudent smarts of Yours Truly of having saved so much money over the years, so the "starving" artist will not be too bad off. But somehow, to write something someone else would want to read and enjoy, well, one has to be "starving" just enough to make it work... it is Murphy's law.

I quit my day job. Bold. Crazy. But it was something I had to do. To be true to myself, to be honest and be able to write clearly, keep the well fresh for me. It's a bit selfish, but who said the process of re-invention of yourself could be self-less? By definition, it is what it is.

And still through it all I can connect again, to my garden to my home, to the universe and other people. This will be fun, and challenging, like I have never had a challenge before.

Later this week, I will unveil my "Publication Strategy" if you will. A roadmap which will keep me motivated and honest, Dear Reader! Hope you agree, and help me see it through its rightful course, what ever that may be.

Thunder Road

1976 - Bruce Springsteen

He was so young and brash and unafraid. He lept across the stage like a madman, saving everyone's soul that night. Many of us ask, instead of "what would Jesus do?" it is now, "what would Bruce do?" Have fun, enjoy life, believe in yourself, and dream baby dream....the money will follow your success. And you can survive and thrive on much less for longer than you think.

Thunder Road. The song always brings tears to my eyes. To me, it's about escape on one hand, on another, it is about commitment to yourself and the one (person, thing, ideal) you really love, to pull out of the town full of losers, and win, on your own terms.

No retreat, no surrender. Bruce always makes me feel like I am ready to grow young again. And dream. So what does this have to do with re-invention? Well, you can't throw out the baby with the bathwater so to speak. You have to be grounded in commitment, one constant that doesn't change. For some, that is prayer to a higher being, for others it is in themselves and their ideas, values and beliefs. Not to sell yourself out, or if you have a bit, to go back and re-gain the commitment you had when you were young, unafraid, and brash.

Soul searching is great, but the road is better. Get out there, do things, see what you like and what you don't. Sure its bittersweet when one road doesn't work out, but you've got to remember you've learned something about yourself. And that's fantastic, its your gift to yourself, its your duty to yourself to learn which road is right for you, and follow your heart until you find your dream.

Hope you all have some thing you can be grounded in, that helps you when you are out on that road of discovery, of life.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Looks like I already missed a day. That's okay. I am trying to create a couple of new habits (but not too many) as part of my process.

Today I have some administrative things to see to at my "day job" so that things will be easier for me over my leave time. So not all tasks reported will be related to the re-invention process, it seems.

Today is a bright sunny shiny morning with a haze of clouds high off in the distance. I am reminded also that I am well-loved by my partner James, and my two cats, Harley and Moe. These lovely greetings carry me to write and hope and dream again, a very warm and fuzzy feeling. I also wish love and happiness to my friends and family all over the world.

Valentine's Day is often denounced as a gaudy in-your-face, buy buy buy, marketing scheme for poor schleps (male and female) who feel they have to show their love in the form of flowers, heart shaped candies, and cards. I don't feel that way-- to me, Valentine's Day marks the beginning of renewed hope with spring just around the corner. The days between Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day are cold, wintery and more often than not, been quite lonesome days for me. I think really in all, I have probably truly "celebrated" Valentine's Day only 3 times in my life i.e., with someone I love -- going out to dinner, dressing up, exchanging gifts, the nine yards. So it is still a joy for me.

I hope you enjoy this day! Have a great one.