Sunday is Bruce's birthday

"You gott let 'em hear you in New Jersey, man! Is there anybody really alive??" -- Introduction to Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out, New York City Live, 2001

So excited, Springsteen is in New Jersey celebrating his 63rd (!) birthday. And already I'm sleepless - thinking how am I going to celebrate this year. 

Should I watch the Hammersmith 1975 show? How about the Darkness DVD? I don't think I've made it through The Promise DVD completely yet. Or just a whole day of Springsteen music? Or perhaps better yet would be to go to the park with my guitar and start playing ;) But the crazy cats here would probably call the police on me. I can't sing for the life of me anyway, and my guitar playing is pretty basic. 

I've also started reading and participating on GreasyLake again -- "The Underworld" or "Fight Club" political forum. It's been 10 years since I have been really active on it, and it's really strange. I've looked back on the almost 10 years now that I've been living in Switzerland. 

"So much has happened to me / that I don't understand / All I can think of is being five years old following behind you at the beach / Tracing your footprints in the sand /Trying to walk like a man" - Tunnel of Love, Walk Like a Man, 1987 

I'm sleepless because there is something burning inside of me again, that fire that has got to get out and be seen be visible. To paraphrase Orwell, there is some lie that I want to expose - so many stories, so many things. I need to be focused and really just write and clean it up later. Forget about everything else for those hallowed carved out times when I write. 

Stay tuned!

back from the dead

Hello World.

Again! Back from the dead, re-processed. No zombies this time round, eh?

Test, test and re-test. All processes need to be tested. To see if they are rigorous enough to handle all the crap that's out there, the impurities and what not. One has to stay involved, draw inspiration from the testing and get creative to solve the issue to improve the process. It's an never ending story. One needs strength also, not to just give up and scrap the whole thing and try to start anew again, although I am sure there are several Lonza chemical engineers who wished they could do just that. It's a commitment long-haul kind of thing, that at least the first principles are there, and the process just needs to be tweaked and honed based on the results of the tests.

Involvement. Commitment. Drive. Ambition. These things sometimes I find I am lacking, in my work life and in my personal life. I admire those who have it, I am proud of myself when I see it in me, but sometimes I can't be bothered. I'd rather just relax and goof off, not get involved, not commit, not set goals, not do it. I like being distracted for some reason, procrastination, even though deep inside I know that it is vital to my overall well-being and success that I have some level of involvement in things that are important to me and not let the world just wash over with what ever it wants to send me. How I handle Plan B? Involvement. Commitment. Maybe not so much ambition, but definitely drive. Lemons? Lemonade, and all that.

The trials that I've been going through lately have sorely tested my commitment and level of involvement to a fairly tedious and boring, but well paid (!) project. I've always said I don't care about the money, I just need something to be interesting and challenging and well, this project is neither. It's hard mostly because it is so unglamorous and uninteresting, but there is the problem I might not know exactly what I am doing. There are things I consider glamorous and interesting, but aren't so well paying... the other projects I have are medium level, interesting but not exactly glamorous either, but it's not hard for me because I know how.

Oh this is boring you isn't it?? What about my writing you say? what happened to the plan? the book? the stories? where are they? what's happening? the trials have sapped a lot of energy from me. I need to re-charge and get rid of these energy wasters, while I try to get back involved in my stuff: my writing, my commitment, my drive, my ambition inside of me. Even if I never make it big, at least I want to know I've tried hard hard hard, as hard as I've tried anything else before.

That's the kind of commitment I'm talking about. That's when I'll know I've fully re-invented myself.

Stay the course. Believe. The 3 P's. Patience. Perseverance. Persistence.

Coffee time

Coffee is good. Coffee is great. I appreciate coffee and all other caffeine-containing products on days like these. I slept really well, too well in fact. The bed was nice and warm and the outdoor thermometer said -3.7 degrees Celsius. Minus. I don't like minus. Below freezing is not good.

Coffee is good. Spell checkers are even better. But I'd rather have coffee than a spell-checker. I can replace a spell-checker, but not coffee. There's tea, you say? Ha! I scoff at tea. Tea is for sissies. Unless you are Captain Jean-Luc Piccard that is. He drinks Earl Grey tea, without cream or sugar. I like it too and also the Lady Grey. Mmm. But coffee still rules.

In about 15 minutes I have to go out in that Minus outside. My cats don't know what they are missing -- coffee and Minus, among other things that I can't think of right now. Today I'm gonna be active in contrast to yesterday I was quiet. I had coffee yesterday, but I plan to have a lot more today!!

I need more exercises and also feedback from people that know what they are doing. I have a challenge to improve my craft and I am excited (really, even when the coffee hasn't kicked in yet) to get on it, work on it. I need more self-discipline. More than ever. Can coffee give you self-discipline? Can anything other than working at it everyday (commitment and all that motivation crap) GIVE one self-discipline? It has to come from within, says the deeper sage inside me. Is that Teresa? My Tree? Coffee grows on bushes I think, or is it vines?

where oh where is my coffee gone? down to my tummy. Ah. Time to go and face the Minus world. Maybe there is some hot coffee somewhere out there.

Why week: Day 2

Two-year olds are constantly asking Mom and Dad "why?" It's a fun game for a while, but when you start to run out of answers, it is annoying. In the end, the child is unsatisfied with "because I said so". It's an eternal question of course, but I seriously doubt a 2 yr. old can fully grasp the sense and concept of eternity or forever, as most normal adults can't either. Forever has been since they were born. That's eternity to them. Perhaps one should be glad they can vocalize and express curiosity. I guess that's why I appreciate people searching for a God, rather than those non-believers. They are just not a fun bunch!

Oh, but I digress. Why is that? I want to deliver as much information in a short period of time. But its not interesting is it? It could be down right boring. Anyway... needless words...must cut out needless words...

My Whys on Writing: (excuse the lyrics, it's early)

• I want to get past "hide[ing] 'neath the covers to study" my pain; I want to stop being afraid
  
• "show a little faith" and show myself I can form the writer that resides within and be brave
• I made a promise, long ago, circa 1985 -- "we'd swore we'd always remember no retreat baby no surrender" "to cut some place of our own" with who I am
• At the moment I feel like I am in some sort of limbo state. Not fully committed to anything. I believe strongly that once I "get over" this book written or the general "writing sickness" I have, I'll be able to connect to life again, and commit and feel married to the field what ever it is I have at that stage. I am not going to go totally away, but maybe that is still fear holding me back?
  

"None but the brave / No one baby but the brave / Those strong enough to save / Something from what they gave "

if you haven't heard this song, I recommend that you buy it off iTunes. Seriously, it's from Bruce Springsteen Essentials (yeah the one CD I don't have!!). "None but the Brave".

There are other whys, just a little disconnected in my mind from those above. I'll try to address them tomorrow or later in the week.

Well, here is my list of promises. A pessimist might find some of these a bit naive, but I don't think so. These promises although on the whole optimistic doesn't mean being "Pollyanna" about things. The Promise laid here must grounded in a world that includes today's realities. One must always be ready. (We'll discuss Springsteen's Promise in an essay somewhere.)

Anyway, I found this on the internet some 6 years ago, and I still keep carrying around. Now I got to really start trying to follow it. One day at a time, renew my commitment to this each day....

I Promise:

• To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
• To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person I meet.
• To make all my friends feel that there is something in them.
• To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
• To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
• To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
• To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature I meet a smile.
• To give so much time to the improvement of myself that I have no time to critize others.
• To be too large to worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

Go Gadget! Go!

Missed a day

Sorry about that!

One day at at time does mean re-committing to your goals afresh, anew, each day. Some how that seems boring or cliché on the face of it. But then one starts to think, well, what is brushing teeth, showering and all the other rituals done without question? Aren't they simply commitments to yourself to be clean, healthy and tidy everyday? Some people pray everyday. Some other people exercise everyday. Some other other people write everyday. Some very special and diligent people do all three everyday.

No, no, no, they're habits, you say? No I say, they are -- in the bigger scheme -- ways we show commitment to ourselves. Our traditions and rituals yearly are also commitments to ourselves and our community and culture. So in a sense, by not celebrating a tradition one is saying I am not committed to such and such. This reverse way of looking at things (reverse engineering if you will), lets you see the issues for what they really are. How would a completely new secular society garner commitment and diligence to the cause if they have no sense of tradition or ritualistic daily behavior built into it? Something simple like a mantra. Two to five words that exemplify your commitment. Or more complicated like a national anthem or pledge of allegiance. They are just theme songs that idealize what one is trying to do each day. Of course the words are interpretable to each his own and Your Mileage May Vary... but in general people get the idea.

Now back to me and re-inventing me. What are my NEW rituals that will get me to write each day? To show commitment each day? To bring the promise together and alive in me each day?? Hmm, I seem to be missing this, this may be the "AHA!" moment I've been waiting for.

I have an old list that I'll share with you later, perhaps also tomorrow I can think of a simple mantra that would help me.

One Day At A Time

I struggle with past and future lives. It's hard to live in the present when one is "constantly worrying" what the stock market is going to do, or how you see your career and life 5 years from now, or whether someone or something will come back to haunt you. One has to have goals surely, and lock the door on the past. Total and absolute forgiveness of oneself is necessary but don't forget the lessons learned.

So, how do I resolve committing to long term goals and living one day at a time?? Commitment is having a "pledge or promise". I assumed always before that meant beyond one day. But it dawned on me, why can't one have a promise, that just this one day, I am going to do/be _______?

More on this tomorrow!

I've won the lottery

Today's feature is about winning the lottery and what it means:

I heard a story about a 25 year old Welsh man who won 2 million (pounds or dollars I am not sure), who after two years of relaxing, decided to go back to work at... McDonald's. He says McDonald's makes him happy, and "there's only so much relaxing you can do!" Good for him. Of course we don't know if or how he spent all that money or if he still has some left, but he is young, and apparently couldn't find a better job with his previous qualifications.

In a way, I have won the lottery too. I asked myself this, when I had the decision of one of three options:

1) improve my average job performance in the short-term and continue with the 3 month plan of unpaid leave, with the expectation that I'd be back at high performance levels,
2) quit immediately, or
3) get fired

what would I do if I won the lottery (say 2 million dollars)? What would I do if I wasn't afraid? What would I do if the money (or legal permission to stay, or having the less than my ideal boss, or less than my ideal working conditions, etc.) didn't matter?

By asking these questions, I found out I didn't enjoy my work and environment enough to stay, short-term or long-term. It wasn't only the high pressure, demanding nature of the job that got to me. I just didn't care about the work. If the money didn't matter, and I know what I know now, I would no longer choose to work there. If I wasn't afraid of what would happen to me, I would simply quit.

Obviously, when I first took the job 2 years ago, I chose to work there, and it was really great for a while. I really loved it. But after two years, things changed for me, within me, and around me. Now, when faced with the choice, I couldn't pull myself together in the short-term to truly pull off Option 1, and I didn't really want to deal with Option 3 on my "record" so to speak, so I had to choose Option 2. Clear as crystal.

I know now that I can carve out work for myself on things I do enjoy, and freelance & consult for work when I need to pay the bills. I am highly qualified, have paid my dues in that line of work, and I no longer need to be stuck doing something I didn't truly enjoy doing.

I am enjoying life and my work now. I now have the time to pursue my hobbies and fulfill my dreams of being an author of essays and novels. Maybe I am not that young anymore, but I am not scared or afraid, and I have a little faith left in my back pocket...

So, what's stopping you from dreaming your dream?

I would go even one step further and challenge everyone to find what makes you happy and do the things you love as if the money didn't matter. Of course, it helps to pay your dues and get the qualifications you need, to say be an astronaut for example. You have to develop coping strategies to deal with all the crap people throw at you, from strangers and even your own family, and believe in yourself, and have faith that you know you are doing the right thing for you.

I contend that people who work that hard to be an flight pilot or an astronaut or doctor or lawyer are not doing it for the money. (If they are, they are insane). They simply love it and it shows through the people who love working with them.

There is absolutely no reason today why a situation that brings disappointment and unhappiness can't be changed. None, not age, not gender, not where you live or your genetic pre-dispositions. Don't play the victim, "woe is me", it is just boring. It just requires total commitment and resolve to bring about the changes that are needed in you (mostly, I would say your attitude) to get to where you want to be.

Are you loving it??

Tomorrow, I will write about "Process Development: The Stages"

The Woman with Half a Smile: Part 2

Coming to Terms with It

After a full day of feeling sorry for herself alone and stewing in her thoughts, the woman with half a smile picked up the phone and made a mental list of who she should call and in what order. She decided to call her sister-in-law first, but no one was home. She left a message, trying to code it a bit, so that if the kids were there listening when the answering machine sputtered out her voice, they wouldn't worry about Aunt Tiny being sick. She remembered only then her brother was away on business. Just as well, she thought, as her sister-in-law was better at comforting her now, and she'll know how to react, she's a PA.

Trying her best not to over-exert her healthy half of a smile, Aunt Tiny laid her head back down on the couch and thought about her brother's family and the happy times they shared. Her nephew would be seven years old soon. She made another mental note to find out exactly when her nephew's birthday was, as her mind seemed to be flooded with other junk at the moment. To think back when he was a baby, how she savored the smell, the tender touch, the weight of him in her arms as she sung a lullaby to him in the nursery rocking chair. Amazing how in seven years, the bundle of love has grown to develop dreams and wishes and fears of his own, fluidly and without strain. From the outside, his fears may seem temporary and ever changing as the sculpting of a fairly new river bed, downpouring from a fresh source. These childhood fears, if strained and not seen with love, can become fixations and have a lasting permanency, she thought. He'll be alright, she brightened, he will not be like me.

She then tried to reach her good friend who lived an hour away. Stuck at home with a 6 month old baby, her friend was there for her and did all the talking and soothing. There was nothing else anybody could do. She only had to do what the good doctors said, and everything will resolve on its own. There were homeopaths and other kinds of therapists, her friend let her know if she wanted to go and believe in them, they could help her. Trust and belief, in the end that's what it is all about, she thought, half unblinking and staring out the window as she rehashed what had happened -- all of it -- all of the past 9 months to her friend. How she lost her trust in her work and boss, and could only have so many commitments. She chose herself, her health, and her only love, over those "mad people". Her friend agreed, having met the boss once or twice, that she had her priorities straight.

Relieved and still twiddling with the plastic bubble -- the foggy and sticky eye patch -- encompassing what seemed like the entire left half of her small face, she went over to hug her boyfriend. He was cleaning and tidying up something what she couldn't see very well. "What was that for?" he asked. "For just being here," she beamed. I am so blessed, she thought, with a warm pink glow overtaking her. "It's time for us to go to the clinic get your eye checked again, I want to make sure you know how to go on your own" he replied calmly, his large gray, cerulean eyes smiling. There never was such a more beautiful and nameless color, she thought.

After returning home from the hospital for the second time, she finally reached her sister-in-law. Her sister-in-law confirmed everything she heard, and also told her how not uncommon it was, that her mother had it too recently. Her story told yet again, the woman with half a smile felt tired from another long day it seemed.

The most curious thing was something her sister-in-law said, after she had told her that the doctor gave her a 100% sick leave note for one whole week. "Yes, that's not a bad idea. You may be feeling a bit self-conscious, and have to come to terms with it..." Self-conscious she was, she felt that on the bus back from the hospital, everyone was staring at her, wondering what contagion was under that horrible putrid-looking eye patch. But come to terms? What?

After almost a half day of not having self-pitying feelings, the woman did not understand why she had to come to terms with it, but was curious anyway. They told her it shouldn't be permanent, and perhaps some discomfort will come with doing normal daily things like eating, looking at the computer or TV. She was unbelievably grateful for not having to go to work and deal with the workload and clients, but what would she do with herself? She planned getting her hair colored and cut with her wonderfully gay hairdresser, a nice total body massage, going to the gym, sleeping lots, playing with her two cats. Surely that was enough to keep her mind off of it and not have to deal with the consequences of having half your face paralyzed?

Next: Coping -- On and Off Sick Leave

Let this day be the last

Today was my last day of work. Woo hoo! Total commitment, that's what it takes!

Where did it all start? It was at The Spectrum in Philadelphia, Tunnel of Love Express Tour March 8th, 1988. Twenty years ago.

March 1988 is a time point that I want to return to mentally with the ideal time machine, i.e. with the maturity and lessons learned I have today. I could go back to that concert in my head, and recapture what I think I lost after a really bad experience later that same year, which has led me to experience great darkness since. I now know that I no longer have to be a victim of circumstance and can create my own success.

I can't believe I fought with myself for the past 20 years (and my parents and everyone else that would have liked to get close to me). I went against my own dreams -- paralyzed by my own fears -- and did only what was expected of me.

NO MORE!! Today was my last day of sorrows at my very stressy agency job, and all this darkness that has shrouded me for 20 years will pass....I know it and I can feel it, the thunder underneath my feet!!!

Having just turned 35 last November, I am ready for that river of joy and happiness, and am totally committed to this new life. And I know that I can't get there by myself now! I am so glad for my friends, my partner, my family, for GreasyLake, and of course, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band!!!

More real process stuff later. It's time to celebrate, and have a good time...

Thunder Road

1976 - Bruce Springsteen

He was so young and brash and unafraid. He lept across the stage like a madman, saving everyone's soul that night. Many of us ask, instead of "what would Jesus do?" it is now, "what would Bruce do?" Have fun, enjoy life, believe in yourself, and dream baby dream....the money will follow your success. And you can survive and thrive on much less for longer than you think.

Thunder Road. The song always brings tears to my eyes. To me, it's about escape on one hand, on another, it is about commitment to yourself and the one (person, thing, ideal) you really love, to pull out of the town full of losers, and win, on your own terms.

No retreat, no surrender. Bruce always makes me feel like I am ready to grow young again. And dream. So what does this have to do with re-invention? Well, you can't throw out the baby with the bathwater so to speak. You have to be grounded in commitment, one constant that doesn't change. For some, that is prayer to a higher being, for others it is in themselves and their ideas, values and beliefs. Not to sell yourself out, or if you have a bit, to go back and re-gain the commitment you had when you were young, unafraid, and brash.

Soul searching is great, but the road is better. Get out there, do things, see what you like and what you don't. Sure its bittersweet when one road doesn't work out, but you've got to remember you've learned something about yourself. And that's fantastic, its your gift to yourself, its your duty to yourself to learn which road is right for you, and follow your heart until you find your dream.

Hope you all have some thing you can be grounded in, that helps you when you are out on that road of discovery, of life.

The first step is the biggest

Here it goes. I've made a decision to change my life and my work. Now I have to see my dream through. I have been given 3 months personal leave of absence from my "real day job" and I am taking it for all it is. Although the clock doesn't start ticking for another 6 weeks, I am in planning and preparation mode, setting up my pilot plant experiment.

I am an engineer. I have been one for almost 15 years. I once was a writer, of poems of plays, of short prose, twenty years ago. I now want to make my life's work, writing fiction. This blog will be dedicated to documenting my successes, daily and weekly, and monthly, until I reach my new status.

One must re-invent themselves from time to time. Madonna and her music her styles over the years is a perfect example. In marketing terms, its called "life cycle management", and represents a planned shift in the brand to match trends in the market. New indications, new mediums, new outlets must be boldly tried. Madonna can afford to fail at this point, but most of us who are in the process of re-invention can not fail so much. A little failure of course is expected, setbacks happen all the time. The key is to stay positive, and motivated towards reading the market and giving it from yourself the best you can offer. The ideas have to come inside out, but once they come, it's past due time to figure out how to best market them. Market research and knowing thyself come hand in hand.

Thirty-five seems to be a magical age. It's about half way to retirement, and if you are a woman like me, the clock seems to be ticking faster. It's time to figure out my brand, what I am all about, and bring forth my uniqueness to market. For me, it has to be more than doing someone else's idea of a job, agency work, or lab work that I am not particularly fond. I have to really love this idea, and believe in it with all my heart, thus maintaining my commitment. Commitment also then to knowing my brand's life cycle. This will come in time.

Stay tuned here.