First thunderstorm

I've been off-kilter of late: some late nights, not enough sleep, coughing, spluttering, sore throating, mood swings, etc. So, it's understandable why I felt emotionally drained today after a fantastic morning of networking and community building. There's a light at the end of the tunnel and yes, I finally feel the hope.

I came home and had to take a nap after a light lunch. I woke up to the sound of thunder. The hills were rolling with them. It's early for thunderstorms, I think, but perhaps the conditions are just right: warm and cold at the same time. Who knows we might even get some hail.

I love crazy weather like this, unpredictable and phenomenal. It's nature. There are even patches of blue sky in the midst of the darkest grey. It feels good to be alive. Everything is in the moment, the flash of lighting preceded by the charges ground to sky. It's atoms bursting with anticipation, in a vacuum of silence, and then, in microseconds gigawatts of energy fly through the air.

Things are slowly feeling like they are moving in a direction I want to be. I am so glad to have the capacity to now say no to things that don't serve me. Things do always have a way of working out. Whether it's prayer, faith or just pure love from the soul of the universe   I don't care. I am ever so grateful for this love, "a lesson learned, a loving god, and things in their own time, in nothing more do I trust".

There's a tapestry somewhere being woven, the threads all tie together and build the greatest story there ever was. I feel and see it in my mind's eyes: its linen, its soft velvety lines, its colourful richness dancing like fireworks on the back of my retina. There are no answers only the questions of a child and an immense sense of gratitude of how things turned out. The story isn't over. My love won't let me down.

Eighteen days until Oslo, I can't wait. I get to experience the greatest show on earth in the greatest country on earth, with some 18,000 other fans. It will be another revival and massive party, and I'll feel rejuvenated and healed baptised in those waters.

Until next week: be true. Love thyself and thy neighbour. Love all serve all.

My choice today

I woke up this morning still feeling appalled and aghast at the audacity of a work colleague of mine. Suffice to say, I was discouraged and de-motivated to go into the office, I had schemes of sabotage running around in my head, making me spin with anger.

But I am better than that. I choose to excel, not to compete.

I realised that this individual's behaviour is typical of a bully. What do you do with bullies? You show them what love can do. You show them their behaviour is not acceptable. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it stinks. But the trick is, one cannot be drawn down to their level. This individual is clearly in a lot of pain and suffering for some reason and lashes out.

Can you change a bully? No, just as you cannot change a leopard's spots. I know I am a good writer, I inspire many. I know I am a good leader, I have led teams through significant change. However, I cannot manage someone who does not want to be led. Who consistently and seemingly purposely ignores the rules of engagement. Who chooses to pick only those rules that suit. Who blatantly ignores processes many hold dear. Who is selfish, arrogant and manipulative.

I am clearly disappointed in this individual's behaviour. I cannot let one bad seed (or the so-called 2%) ruin the whole crop. I have a responsibility to 'correct' but to do it gently, with honor and grace.

I have a responsibility to the whole. I will turn my attention to them and, today, I choose to ignore the bully. When I am calmer, I shall respond with a clear mind.

Breathe in... breathe out...I know what will restore my faith. Rock 'n' Roll!!

Happy holidays!

Feeling relaxed and happy amongst my husband's family. Driving around the damp soaked out English countryside earlier this holiday weekend, it's humbling and warming to appreciate how this country celebrates with all its mixing of people - peacefully. It has a third of the population of the US but perhaps a tenth or less of the land mass. Yet, in these relatively cramped quarters, they get along for the most part.

They've been doing it longer you say - nearly 1,000 years since England was recognized - a few wars and riots since but the community and workers and families do take care of their own and don't overly rely on socialist policies other than their most important wealth - the nation's health services.

What possesses someone - outside of the military or trained police- to actually go out and do the terrible deed of killing another human ? On this eve which marks the birth of one of the Prophets, I don't understand how in this day and age people haven't got that first idea through their thick skulls - don't kill your fellow man.

C'mon people now smile on your brother - try to love one another right now!

Life as a Work-in-Progress

Often we think of fixed points or processes -- things that will "never" change -- and set our paths by them. The Northern Star, the sun setting in the west, the moon moving around the Earth every 28 days or so. But here, at the 100-foot level, life is more fluid, un-fixed if you will. Philosophies change, fashion and music, all the way down to the molecular level, if we think in centuries and decades and years, instead of millennia and eons.

Our short time here on Earth then is always a work in progress - processes change, nothing is ever really final. "The only thing that remains the same is change" - except maybe the concepts of pure love and pure fear. The very extremes most of us understand very well, it's the huge spectrum in between that causes confusion. Always changing.

In this short life, there are no guarantees - we may wish for them - but reality is, that's not going to happen. That's the big "grow up" step we make at some point in our lives.

I found the poem below on my Facebook Likes, about learning and growing up. Strange, children talk about when they're all grown up -- when is that? Someone else said when you start doing the things you really love and feel alive -- that's when you start to feel alive. Another person says life begins at 40.

Perhaps all of these things are true, because I've haven't felt this alive since I was 15. Reawakening to your true self is so so amazing. I highly recommend it.

---

Author: Veronica A. Shoffstall
After a while
you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't always promises
and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn
with every good-bye you learn.

On the way to thinking about what to write...

This morning already has been so interesting.

Another tossing & turning night, with my world's troubles still running around like a hamster in my head. Sleep-deprived and unmedicated, I wanted to rush rush rush through my mornings errands, just so I could have a free hour to write write write.

Then, I fell down some concrete stairs while carrying glass recyclables in a plastic box. I hit my mouth on a hard glass and the corner of the box. But while I was falling, all I could think about were my knees.

Surgery 17 years ago and having suffered many dizzying falls as a child and young adult -- once scraping my knees to the bone -- both knees still give me tricks and challenges. Now, that knee replacement will probably be moved up: to when I'm 55 instead of 60.

Spontaneous tears burst, like a child, I laid motionless on the floor not able to move. A kind and generous young lady talked to me in a soothing adult manner, and helped me get up. Things hurt: another friend got me a chair to sit down in and yet another, some water and ice.

Nothing broken no lasting damage (I hope) other than a reflection of the perspective I was afforded. And the fact that it gave me something amazing to write and reflect about for the rest of the day.

I am so grateful to you, my friends, and, also to all my intimate strangers -- who really understand the meaning of community and helping each other out.

It was just meant to be. Bruised lip and a few more scrapes, but this body knows that. The mind now remembers the forgiveness that life provides.

Character and experience - it is what separates the human with integrity and those without. What a wonderful world.

Dying and Living Gracefully

I just finished the book, "Seize the Day: How the Dying Teach Us to Live", by Marie de Hennezel, a French nurse working in a palliative care unit in Paris. 

It is eerie knowing the people she writes about are already dead, long gone: yet she writes with such compassion and clarity, that these people seem still alive and here. If I was to visit this hospital now, I am sure I would see the memory of these people on the faces of doctors and nurses and other psychiatric staff who still work there. It really isn't about the money: it is about human dignity and doing work that is meaningful and compassionate.

Classical psychology/psychiatry always has this "emotional distance". It keeps one objective and able to withdraw and cope with the sometimes horrible things patients say. What Mrs. de Hennezel is able to achieve with her brand of psychology, based on Jungian principles, is a much more compassionate and physical form of healing and accompaniment. She is wonderfully alive, and her book is a testament to that. Teaching someone to live is no small feat, but in the Western world that is her construct, we can afford to be a little more touchy-feely, she claims. It heals the living, the last rites.

They say, the dead have no religion. But the dying do, and we are all dying, just as soon as we are born. The other books I am reading are also on this similar thread of the true nature of the human and breaking through all the lies and constructs we've been given since we were a child. It's a good theme.

Not sure where to go from here, but that's alright. Reading and writing such "fluffy" stuff is becoming a larger part of my life again, while the "hard" sciences are becoming much smaller and I hope to diminish them completely in the years to come. 

It suits me right. I am not daydreaming anymore! From the Facebook page of: Never Give Up on Yourself:

Autumn and my life cycle

Here it is: my happy poem, "An Ode to Autumn". Published in a community newsletter, slightly anonymized, but who cares. It's a start.

This poem chronicles a bit my experience in Switzerland over the last 9 years. I am getting a bit nostalgic as I approach my 10th anniversary in March 2013. Here's my (nearly) line-by-line breakdown:

• dusts, heroes of summer: think of "The Rising" Bruce Springsteen
• born: yes I mean literally. Some of the best people I know are born between Sept 21 and December 21, typical autumn in the Northern Hemisphere
• boys shooting: this refers to the autumnal festival called Knabbenschiessen, loosely translated as "boys shooting" in Zürich, where I lived for 5 years. The translation is quite funny. Recently though, a young Swiss girl has entered the competition and been a great success.
• Öpfelkiechli or (Öpfel Küchli): Swiss-German dialect for these lovely deep-fried battered apple rings at the Basel Autumn Fair, or Herbstmesse, coming soon end of October. Mmmm. There's a very specific stand, and a very specific lady who makes these. I won't eat any other!
• The bells of Switzerland: there are a lot. Not just church bells. Cow and sheep (and other mountain animals) bells, sleigh bells, door bells... I love them all. Saturday evening they ring for 10 minutes. Really. OK, church bells only.
• Been listening to a lot of R.E.M. lately. Three words from the album, Green (1988). Song: "You Are The Everything". Find it, buy it. Love it!

• OK, we didn't get married in Autumn, but we did get engaged. Friends of ours got married in Autumn. 
• I guess the ol' October 1st heating rule is quite old. Must also be a Zürich thing.
• Yeah, the Dragon / drago in Italian / Draco. Read what you will into that.
• There used to be a branch of the Swiss army that wore yellow berets.
• Yeah, there's always the end of year rush to get things done, not only in Switzerland, but everywhere. Post-its are like leaves...
• Odd use of winter as a "dénouement" is a bit circular ;)

I'm making my first recipe of pumpkin-apple strudel later on today. A variation of Jamie Oliver's Pumpkin Strudel but better. ;) Can't wait!!!

The first day of the rest of my life

Here I am again, writing, and today -- a poem of mine will be published in a local community newsletter. OK, to qualify this: I was the guest (ghost) editor and we needed a chunky but nice piece of artwork. So, being the maverick nutter that I am - and, of course, to save time - I did it myself. The poem was written over 4-5 days, and I am quite happy with it. I will post it here later on this month. 

So, I am quite excited and nervous. How will it be received? Will people read it? Will people come here to see the blog? What will it mean for me? Will it open any doors? Am I ready for that??

Well, questions aside, I have chosen, actually a long time ago. It was chosen for me. This is my destiny I truly believe now. To build a life, not simply earn a living. I am a writer and professional volunteer. I am an activist and political beast. I have something to say, and by "spaghetti noodle" I will get it out. Even if it kills me. 

I now understand what exactly is a "labour of love" ;)

"Once you decide on your occupation... you must immerse yourself in your work. You have to fall in love with your work. Never complain about your job. You must dedicate your life to mastering your skill. That's the secret of success... and is the key to being regarded honorably."
- Jiro Ono