Deeper Why: Get curious about it (warning! Long Post!)

One of the more interesting Whys I've had to deal with since about last November - March had to do with:

Why I Don't Care about my clients and paying jobs and its corollary Why I DO Care about myself and (non-paying as of yet) creative writing.

For my paying jobs, I think I fall into the category of "I care, but I don't really CARE" -- about the details, the minutiae, the politics and pandering, the how things get done, so-called "stupid things" -- I only care that they do get done in a timely manner (on my terms preferably). And so much of my previous day job was client hand holding and communications on these soft details, not necessarily on the content and science. At some point, I stopped caring about the content as well because I didn't see the point of "do-or-die". Forest for trees and all that. I know and still appreciate that my late work means that someone else down the "production line" has to bust their ass too. There are things / mentalities as "not enough too late", a progression of "too much too late" and "too little too late". I assume the ideal is "just enough on time" but everyone expects "perfection / too much on time".

So for my non-paying jobs, why should it be different? I think the difference is that I have an attitude that it is never too late to "fix" anything about myself, whether it is my health, or my writing. I have lots to improve in both areas. Time doesn't seem to enter into the equation. Of course it does in reality, but the goals are flexible and malleable. Dreams aren't fixed and hard-wired, do or die kind of situations. I am not part of a production line! I want to enjoy life and have fun!

The evidence and the jury is still out about whether is is ever actually too late to fix something about your health. There is natural variance also that confounds such studies. I mean, they say in general after the age of 25, your body starts declining - metabolism slows down, bones lubrication / regeneration of cells slow down, cell proliferation and growth slows down or stops... It's like a permanent recession :-) but you can change the slope of recession if you act sooner than later. But perhaps its like smoking cessation, for every year you stop your risk of developing a smoking-related disease goes dramatically down. Perhaps you can say it's too late when you are 85, but is it still too late when you are 75? When you are 65? When you are 55? When you are 45? When you are 35? Everything else equal, I'd say no to all these questions. It just gets harder to get to where you want to go.

But on the other hand, with jumping out of the fire (science communications) into the pot of creative writing, I felt that if I didn't really try now, I'd never know and would regret it later. I was starting to feel like while working full-time, it was starting to get too late for me. I have a few stories in me that have to get out, for my own good. And that made me stop and care about it. Yes, some how my writing and health has got to be linked. And interestingly enough, popular writers will say that readers don't care about the minutiae, the language and all the editing details. But these writers couldn't have got there with out them. And of course, all writers will say that writing for them is a kind of therapy... comforting. The idea of creating a world, a universe, giving birth to characters and people interacting with places and things... well in a way being a writer is like playing God. Your version of the truth.

Although it is not exactly do or die for me, the dichotomous WHYs above created such a strong feeling that I had to intervene and make a choice.

In summary, caring to me means, in order of importance:

1. being passionate and enthusiastic
2. doing a good job (according to myself)
3. having an understanding and compassion for others' needs
4. listening, open and actively seeking feedback from others if I am not doing a good job according to them

I note well that 1 and 2 are self-oriented, whereas 3 and 4 are not. Perhaps when I was in my previous day job, that's what really caused the conflict as I shifted priorities and my sense of caring. In the end I was no longer passionate and enthusiastic, for a myriad of reasons, and felt I wasn't doing a good job. Without 1 and 2, I could not do 3 and 4.

So if this is to be the life I choose, on my own terms, I really have to have 1 and 2, and be committed to exemplify them each day. One day at a time.

Damn, I have to finish some work for a client... distractions, distractions, distractions. I have to get rid of them!! They get in the way of my passion and enthusiasm and ability to do a good job in my creative writing...

....well, slowly, I do need a bit of cash now and then... :-/ schucks.