Lots of students have exam time now. Grueling tests, eck. I remember only some of them. Always this horrible stress right before Christmas. Poor Anina, what an odd thing to study for a history test. Secularization of Monasteries??
The tests in life (out of the classroom), though, can be worse in the sense they are insidious like water, creeping in through the cracks and creating damage where you though you were water-tight. I feel like my beliefs and strength are being tested now, whether I really should be continuing this Re-Invention Path. I don't want to feel LOST like this. Indecision kills. I have to decide then, I know I just have to stick with it, and bear the consequences.
Hoping for the best, but fearing the worst. What is the worst that could happen? That I fail? That I disappoint everyone that ever believed in me, including myself? Fear is a powerful thing. It does turn your heart black. Black as 3 am. I don't want to give into Fear. I have to believe, I have to have faith in myself or something.
Faith in the routine perhaps?
A new Year, a new start. I keep saying I have to do something different, but the change is really a mental one. One that I can't return from -- the so-called "point of no return" -- let it go and, only then, will I find my purpose. Only then, can real change happen.
